America Made Me Do It

I lived my life in concentric circles, and I was successful -- mostly

Picture of the American Dream (AI generated)

If any of you have read my posts on other Substack publications you probably have surmised that I am a flaming liberal. It’s true. I am probably slightly to the left of anyone you know, but I’m not sure how much of that was a free choice. I was born in the same neighborhood, at the same hospital as Bernie Sanders, and only a couple of years later. I am not as flamboyant as he is, but I am slightly to the left of him.

Because I have a different temperament than Bernie Sanders, as well as different parents, and I went to different schools, I became a clinical psychologist instead of a community organizer or raging politician. I was more suited to that job.

What I learned, from my family, friends, teachers, and the surrounding culture was that to succeed in America you had to live your life by distributing your time, energy, and devotion over concentric circles. That meant, I first had to find ways to take care of myself. I think I figured this out in junior high. I realized I had to construct a way that was best for me. At the time, it seemed as if there were many paths to choose from, but in reality, my choices were pretty limited.

I grew up, went to college, worked, went to graduate school, and got married. That was all for me. But then, my time, energy, and devotion expanded to the next circle. I was responsible for a family. I wasn’t solely responsible for the financial support, my wife developed a long and interesting career on her own. More than most fathers at the time, I was very involved with raising the two kids, running the house, and paying attention to the family. I could do that because I choose to work for myself, and gave myself a very flexible schedule.

Before we had children we bought a house that we could afford. Before they went to school we sold that house at a profit and moved to a bigger house in a town with a good school system. This was a good move for me and my family. We were happy to be part of a community of similar people. So, we expanded our circle.

The next wider circle was to help people I didn’t know. I did that through my work. I ran a community mental health center for a few years and really liked that. When Reagan became president and decided that things like community mental health smelled too much like socialism, I opened my own practice in a neighboring city where I worked with a very varied population. I had patients of all colors, from many countries, and at every income level.

It seems as if I was living the American Dream, and I was. I worked hard, was a good husband and father, and still had time for myself. What more could I want?

*. *. *. *. *

However, with each passing stage of my life, especially the more I worked in a city with a very varied population, I began to realize that although my success was not preordained, all I really had to do was get on the escalator, follow enough of the rules, work hard when necessary, and not do anything stupid ( I thank my wife for that). I saw that the people I worked with, and the people I got to know in the different communities of the city, did not have escalators. If they were lucky they had steep staircases, with family members pushing them from behind. Many of them didn’t have families, and many others never could find the stairway.

I saw how being poor is very expensive. Poor people pay more for rent, for food, get worse healthcare, pay more for loans, get paid less for work, don’t have connections to get better jobs, and live with much more day-to-day stress that takes a toll on their bodies and minds. Poor Black and brown people have an even harder time.

My parents weren’t rich, but they were stable. They sent me to school, made me do my homework, taught me to read early, and made sure I knew I was going to college when I was in the fifth grade. I wasn’t the best student but everyone knew I was a smart kid, and I tested well. The result was that I went to a fairly fancy, somewhat prestigious, small, liberal arts college. This was in the early ‘60s. I didn’t realize until a decade later that maybe ten of the 2000 students at the school were Black, and 5 of them were from Africa. More than half of the kids at my college were just like me, but about 35 to 40% were from prep schools. They rode up on a fast elevator. They never even had to look down or get to know who was there. They pushed the button and went to the top floor — although a lot of their parents were disappointed that they didn’t get into Harvard.

*. *. *. *. *

Looking back, I can see how the cultural forces of the times shaped my life. I made many choices that were my own, but there really wasn’t that much to choose from. There were trade-offs at every step. I made a lot of decisions that benefited myself, my wife, and my children. I am now trying to find ways to do that for my grandchildren. I am somewhat relieved to see that my children, who are now in their forties, have built the same kinds of circles, in the same order. They found out earlier than I did how much they need to live within the system in order to get free of it.

However, from the perspective I have now that I am out of the system, I can see how many aspects of life in America resemble a zero-sum game. Some of the benefits I gained required that others not benefit as much. The places we lived, the schools we went to and sent our kids to, the connections we made, the things we bought, the medical care we had access to, and the places we went to, all enriched our lives and made them more fun and interesting. Most people didn’t have such easy access to those opportunities.

We live this way because it works well for us. It’s difficult not to. Our friends do it also, many do much more for themselves than we do. We, as upper-middle-class white people are expected to live this way and encouraged to do so. It keeps the system going, which also means it keeps the economy growing. Sure, we try our best to be good citizens. We installed a heat pump, recycle, and my wife runs a scholarship program for an inner city school, and we work for very lefty candidates, but we hardly interrupt our very enjoyable lives.

But increasingly, we see how this emphasis on the individual and the family as primary, is how my generation has created so many of the problems the world is dealing with today. We had very few discussions in school, and only a few more from religious people, about caring for strangers, taking care of others, paying it forward, and giving back. Few people ever thought about what the effects of their personal actions were on the wider world. Doing things like that was never emphasized. They were things a person did when they had extra time. Giving money to someone else to do good things was considered an acceptable alternative. It still is.

If we learned about caring, sharing, equal justice, and freedom, as well as cooperating, and compromising, it was from our family and friends, and rarely from the education and training experiences we were given. Although, I did have lots of discussions about those things during my years at that fairly fancy, somewhat prestigious, small, liberal arts college, the kind of college that today’s “conservatives” feel threatens their values and lifestyle by teaching that maybe all people are equal. Almost all of the other courses I received both in school and later, were designed to give me more skills to improve my chances of personal success. How many courses or self-improvement books have you read that recommend that you spend your life prioritizing others?

*. *. *. *. *.

People have always come to America because it offers the opportunity to design their own life and be as independent as they wish. They can work for someone or they can figure out a way to support themselves. That was what brought all of my grandparents to this country, and they brought my father. You can attempt to become a billionaire, but if you don’t succeed, you might end up on the street. Everyone felt it was worth the risk, especially when the alternative was being robbed, conscripted, or murdered in a progrom. Most immigrants struggle for a generation, but their children, like me, do better.

However, America never promised everyone an equal opportunity, and the country certainly never offered a gracious welcome or a helping hand.

This isn’t just true for immigrants, It is just as true for the people whose families have been here, struggling for six generations. The system isn’t rigid, but it is rigged. It is possible to build a good life for yourself and your family, but it is much easier if you are born into a family that has already established a good life.

Over the last 50 years, America has become meaner, more divided, and more selfish. Underneath the screaming politics, the real division is between the very rich and the rest of the people. Technology has changed the way the world works, and this has threatened the power structure that has been in place since the Civil War. That power structure, consisting mostly of rich, white, Christian men, does not want these changes to occur. That would probably cause them to lose lose power and money. But, as more of the population is realizing that they are being exploited, they are screaming for change. The Old Guard has made it clear that they are willing to fight that change, even if it means using violence to install an authoritarian government.

The rich Old Guard have bought enough of the media to convince a lot of the poor, struggling, white people that the people who are keeping them oppressed are the over-educated, intellectual elites. That’s me. I am the problem. As I said, it’s a zero sum game and I have 1 and they have 0. Or, more likely, I have 80 and they have 38.

There is some truth to that, but I was only doing what America shaped me to do. Maybe I could have been more like Bernie Sanders, but he is better at what he does than I would be. So, I write about how it happened to me, with the hope that people younger than thirty will be encouraged to create a different kind of society. I’ll help them in any way I can, within my limited skill set.

Song lyric of the day:

“And she’s buying a stairway to heaven”

— Led Zeppelin

( Isn’t that the way it’s always been done?).